I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
