You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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