So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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