I'm jealous of your bromance
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
