Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize