Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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