I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
