in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
