Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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