She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
