i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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