Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
