No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
