I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
