The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
