I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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