The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
