No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
