I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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