You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
