sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
