when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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