apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
