Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
