I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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