I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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