if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
