i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
