my mouth tastes like poor choices
I have demons in me.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
