a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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