Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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