I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
