Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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