legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
