4 words: hood of his car
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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