What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
