fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
