The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
