Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
