god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
they need to just BURY HIM!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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