If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
