I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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