Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
