I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
