Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
