non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
