highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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