I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
