You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
