Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
