why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
