Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
