My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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