Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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