Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
