I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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